I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
