you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
