I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
