I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
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