Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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