I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
