Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
