I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
