4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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