you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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