yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
