last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
