Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
