do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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