So drunk its hurt
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
