Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
