i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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