Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
