I'm lost and stupid without you.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I checked into jail on foursquare
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
