My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
