weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
