"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
