I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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