the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
