Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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