Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
