Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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