My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
