tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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