apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
BRING THE BAGELS
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
