I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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