if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
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