I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
