so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
