i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
