it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
It's never too late to be topless.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Randomize
