When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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