you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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