You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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