so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
