I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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