Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
that is very illegal...i love you.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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