u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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