9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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