Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Green mimosas i think yes
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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