i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
