3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
My cat gives me a boner
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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