Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
