Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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