Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
